Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Response to Lonely Lonestar: An Abysmal "Country" Song

Hey! It's been a crazy week around here. I'm kinda exhausted right now, but wanted to enlighten the universe with this fine nugget of musical weirdness before I crash for the night.

Got this comment last week sometime (from someone by the name of Lonely Lonestar):

So, I'm a big fan of country music and I've lived the classic country song life, every woman I've loved has left me in my pick-up truck with my dog. I was wondering if you could right me a song that makes women fall in love with me.

I'm not sure how to right a song. Maybe I can left you a song.

Okay, I'm done being obnoxious.

No, I lied. I'm really just beginning.


I'm gonna sleep now. Will have more songs up soon. Keep the letters rolling in. :D

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Response to Nancy: When The Tornado Strikes

Good morning, Interwebs! Hope everyone is having a wonderful Saturday. Things are a little crazy this weekend. My band has a show in Portland tomorrow night, so there's been a lot of last minute practicing going on (not to mention my ongoing debate with myself over what I should wear...). But I shall take a break from all of the pre-show chaos to bring you today's bit of musical advice. :)

So without further ado, here is today's letter:

Dear Lauren,

I am stuck in Oklahoma and the tornado sirens are going off. I already put my cello in the bathtub and covered it with sofa cushions. The weather forecasters are saying that there is a tornado heading at me at 30 mph. Actually, they are using the terms "rotation" and "circulation", they aren't saying tornado. The advice they are giving is pretty epic: they say that everybody who is in a mobile home should evacuate right now. !!! Lol, Oklahoma. Should I cower in my bathroom, or should I watch the storm?


And here I am rocking the keytar in my sweatpants, telling Nancy to get the hell out of Oklahoma.

I'm so keytarded. Hehe.

On a side note, I started up a Facebook page for this advice column. You can become a fan here and recieve updates in your daily news feed.

That's all I've got for today. Keep the letters rolling in!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Response to Matt: And Now, A Cowbell Solo

On Sunday, I posted this song. It was a response to a girl named Jane who couldn't get her boyfriend to watch the show Glee with her.

And apparently, Jane's boyfriend (Matt is his name) reads this blog. It didn't take long for this comment to creep up under the post:

First, nice work on the Glee song. I particularly liked your composure while your dog was sniffing around. Secondly, I'm Jane's boyfriend and your right Glee is a slightly homosexual show. But that’s not why I don’t want to watch. I'm a musician myself and can enjoy all types of music, even if it's on a crappy tv show. The reason I don’t want to watch is because Jane sings along with all the songs and it drives me crazy. I love the girl, but singing was not a gift she was given. Actually, I would love to get some advice on how to get Jane to stop singing. If you could work in an accordion and a cowbell that would be gold. Pure gold.

Playing the accordion and the cowbell simultaneously is a skill I have not yet mastered. So I enlisted the help of my good friend, Steve the Cowbell Master. Here is the resulting freakshow of a video:


Things to look forward to: a song about how to survive a tornado, a country western song, and more!

If you need musical advice on anything, don't hesitate to shoot me an email! I am here to meet all of your campy musical advice needs. :)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Response to Girlfriend of A Dirty Man: Freeloading Boyfriend

Warning: This post is all kinds of ghetto fabulous!

This letter popped up in my inbox on Monday night:

Dear Dr. Lauren,

My boyfriend and I moved in together last September. It's been great, but we have some issues when it come to cleaning the apartment. He's currently unemployed, and I work a decent amount. I feel like because he's home more, he should be doing the majority of the cleaning. (Plus, I do all of the cooking.) He agrees with me that this is fair. However, his idea of what "clean" is is different than mine. I'm not a neat freak or anything, but to me, closing the bedroom door so company doesn't see the piles of dirty laundry on the floor doesn't count as clean. And neither does just spraying some air freshener instead of cleaning the cat litter box.

Occasionally, I get mad and just say I'll do the cleaning myself so that it's done right, but he gets offended by this.

What should I do?

- Girlfriend of a dirty man (and not dirty in a good way)

I'm not really sure why I felt the need to answer this letter with a terrible hip hop song. Perhaps it's to make up for Monday's folk music monstrosity. Or maybe it's because I'm secretly addicted to The Black Eyed Peas right now and good ole Fergie is rubbing off on me.
Anyway, here I am, the whitest girl in the universe, attempting to break this beat and give a bit of advice.

Word out.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Response to Tall Brunette: The PMS Song

The Musical Advice Column has been online for a week now and I am totally astonished at how many people are into it. What started out as a weird, late-night idea is quickly becoming a daily songwriting project. I wouldn't have it any other way. Thanks so much for tuning into my little corner of the web and leaving me your kind comments. Also, thanks to those of you who have written in! I am having a ton of fun reading your letters and coming up with responses.

There are some good things in the works for this week: an accordion/cowbell number, a country western song, advice on how to deal with messy boyfriends, and more! I'm even going to start bringing in a guest musician or two to keep things interesting.

But enough about all of that. Here's today's letter:

When I'm on my period, everyone hates me and thinks I'm a total mega bitch. And also, sometimes I'm an ultra bitch to stupid and mean people, but then I blame it on my period (which I might not actually be on.)
Do you know I can be a woman AND keep my friends? Do I need to do hand out bullet proof vests for every week out of four?
Or should I just get my lady parts removed?

Tall Brunette

Aaaand here's the part where I break into a cheery little tune about PMS:

That's all. Happy Tuesday. Or Wednesday, since Tuesday is almost over and many of you will read this on Wednesday. Yes. Happy Wednesday.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Response To Doesn't Like Douches: Love Is Blind

Two days ago, I received the following letter:

I have a good friend whose boyfriend (of almost 3 years) I cannot stand. He’s obnoxious, bigoted, uneducated, hates her gay male friends (...and girlfriends... and straight guy friends), tries to control how she spends her money… He’s jealous, ruins most social outings, disrespects her privacy and is an all-round douche of a human being. He’s done enough douchey things that I just can’t get over it, even though she “can.” They both understand that I dislike him.

After a couple years of trying to "play nice", last summer I told her I never want to see him again. This has so far been pretty easy to do since they don’t live together, and he likely won’t ever commit to her in a meaningful way. Just wondering though, am I going too far? Should I just accept it and try to be civil with him? Not refusing to see him would mean doing more social things with my friend, and now that I am dating someone too, doing things together might be an option. I'm running out of good excuses to say no to hanging out (when he's involved), although she's silly for even bothering to ask me.

Also – what if they DO move in together?

Should I stick to my guns and pretend he doesn’t exist and wait around for when they inevitably break up?

I would like my advice to be in the form or an 80s pop song… or a folk song. Whichever works best!

-Doesn't Like Douches

I decided to challenge myself and go for the folk song option. The result is mildly horrific:

Yeah...guitar is not my main instrument...

Stay tuned for more musical advice. I've been getting some pretty great letters lately. Keep them coming, world! I'm kinda having a blast with this. :)

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Response to Jane: To Glee Or Not To Glee

Got a letter from the lovely Jane that said the following:

I really love the show Glee, but my boyfriend doesn't. Should I force him to watch with me, or should I let him watch hockey in the basement?

Allow me to sit on my floor in my pajamas and sing about this dilemma:

Special guest appearance courtesy of my dog. He agrees with me on the fact that every girl deserves a man who will subject themselves to slightly homosexual television in the name of love.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Response to Jami: When All Your Friends Are Getting Married

I recently received the following letter:

I have a problem. It seems that all of my good friends are getting married, having kids, settling down, and all that good stuff. Not only do I have little to no desire to do that same, but I also have zero single friends. I'm also not sure where I want to go with my life. I often feel very lonely and like I just don't fit in anywhere.

Please help!

(I hope I made this sound really melo-dramatic. It's all true, but I don't talk about it much so I'm not sure if it sounds over the top or not.)

- Jami

My response is as follows:

Hope that was at least semi-entertaining.

Keep the letters coming, friends. I am having a blast with this. :)

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Response to Candid Candice: The Groupie Song

Someone by the user name of Candid Candice posted this question the other day:

So, there is this boy I like at school and he has this band. He is the drummer and the other guys in the band are callow. I don't like them, but he always hangs out with them. So I have to hang out with them when I hang out with him. One of them suggested I be their groupie. My question is thus, what would I have to do as a groupie?

My thoughts on this scenario are expressed in the following song:

That is all.

Response to Groupie #1: The Thing About Mothers

This blog hasn't even been live for two whole days yet and I'm already being swamped with letters! Big thanks to everyone for reading, subscribing, writing in, and encouraging this crazy project! I have had a lot of fun coming up with responses to the questions I have gotten. There should be several videos popping up here over the next few days.

Anyway, without further ado, here is the first letter I received:

Dear Dr. Lauren,
My mother is a real bitch. Bi-polar, two faced, ect ect ect. I can't stand her. I know I won't have to see her often starting soon, due to getting married and moving into my own apartment. How do you suggest I handle her in the mean time?
I would like this question answered in the style of Original Sound trash, possibly sounding like their #1 hit, "Large Intestine".
Groupie #1

Groupie #1 happens to be a good friend of mine and a big fan of my band. "Large Intestine" is a song that has only been heard by about three people. But I digress. Here is my attempt at a musical response:

Okay, so the advice itself is probably on the lame side. Sorry Groupie #1. Hopefully you like the song. If not, I can always just record a reprise of "Large Intestine" for you. (Yes world, that song is really about digestive organs. It was written very late at night. There's a reason only three people have ever heard it).

If you are confused by the term "groupie" and want to know what that means, you are in luck! Someone asked me a question about that and I plan to shed some light on it in my next post. Stay tuned!

And if you are in need of some advice in the form of a song, don't hesitate to ask. :)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


When I was in the sixth grade, I had an advice column in the school newspaper. I added the word "Doctor" in front of my name and offered advice that was at times controversial. Soon, the whole school was hooked on my page of the paper. The column was read and discussed by both kids and teachers alike. Some people loved it. Some people hated it. It almost got yanked from the paper a couple of times. Occasionally, kids threatened to beat me up on the playground because of it.

I found the whole thing to be incredibly entertaining, especially since no one knew the dark secret behind Doctor Lauren's advice column. No one ever wrote letters to me asking for advice, so I wrote letters to myself on a weekly basis and responded to them as if they were real. I usually wasn't very nice in my responses, but it didn't matter since I wasn't writing to real people. Of course, I was the only one who knew this secret (besides my mother, who often helped me come up with the fake letters). Though controversial, Doctor Lauren became somewhat of a sixth grade legend.

I have not attempted to maintain an advice column or anything of the sort since then. I thought I had gotten it all out of my system in the sixth grade. But recently, I came up with this bird-brained idea and thought it was worth trying out. So here it is:

This is an advice column. You can ask me for advice on anything and I will come up with some sort of profound answer for you. Need insight on how to deal with a situation at work? Having trouble with your love life? Don't know what to make for dinner? Leave your troubles in a comment or shoot me an email ( and I will respond to you in this blog.

Of course, there is a catch. This is not your grandmother's advice column. This is a musical advice column. That's right. I will respond to you in the form of a song. I will record a video of it and slap it onto a blog post.

I can play various instruments and am very versatile when it comes to styles. So when you write to me, please specify what style of song you'd like to hear your advice performed in. Also, if you have a preference of instrument, please notify me of this. I can play piano, keyboard, keytar, accordion, and cowbell. I can't promise you that my advice will always be useful, but at the very least it will be entertaining and probably pretty catchy.

And unlike the sixth grade, I am not going to write letters to myself this time. So, this thing depends on you. Go ahead. Ask for advice and you shall receive it in musical form. :)